Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We talked him into tasing himself.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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