I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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