i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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