I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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