I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize