he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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