i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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