I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
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