and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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