Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize