I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You were trust falling into bushes
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
