You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
