i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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