It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I had to cum in my sink.
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