I think I died a long time ago.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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