Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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