I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
