You just made me feel so damn special
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
