Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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