I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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