alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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