Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
