don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
