the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
