You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
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