mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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