I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
In other news, I just burned my penis
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
