Jerry, you need to find god
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
