Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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