So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize