then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
