the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
