the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
