things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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