ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize