I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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