Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
