they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
