can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
