He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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