Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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