The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
