If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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