Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
