I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
