I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
