I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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