youre lurking in front of me
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
