Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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