Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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