I wish I could teleport
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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