Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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