All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
