There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
