I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize