I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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