ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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