I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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