what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
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