You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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