What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
