Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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