Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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