I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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