Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
