the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
