we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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