Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
