Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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